Thursday 9 July 2009

I am

The 13th July this year will be 216th anniversary of the birth of John Clare and the following day will see his house in Helpston opened to the public. I feel an affinity with Clare for a number of reasons. His deep knowledge of and abiding love for nature stands him apart from contemporaries. Many romantics were charmed by their surroundings but few chose to know them as well as he did, fewer still were as concerned about the possibility of their passing. 

Clare's illness was most manifest in confusion about his identity. I firmly believe that the tension between London high life and rural family life tore his mind apart. His mental health state was not helped by alcohol; I can certainly relate to that. We know now how much of a depressant it is.  He once walked from his Asylum in Epping Forest all the way to Peterborough and this walk is being recreated by enthusiasts from the John Clare Society in support of the Mental Health Foundation. I have often felt myself walking when it might make more sense to drive or take public transport and it really does leave you alone with your thoughts, with God and nature often, and with your mortality. Where running quickly exhausts you, walking offers a slow accretion of weariness that more closely resembles the passage of life. Your thoughts often slow with your pac,e and reflections and impressions grow deeper as they circulate in your mind. 

At some stage all walkers reach the point where they must decide to either rest of press on. Clare, in his most well known poem "I Am", so accurately sums up the agony of depression and describes the point at which, finally, the decision is made to surrender oneself ...to God, to the void, to fate; at least not to dwell any longer in the prison of one's own mind. I say God because his choice of the title was not only a reflection on his inner self, but also a reference to Mark Chapter 8 v 27. After claiming to be the reincarnation of Shakespeare and Byron, perhaps Clare related to Jesus identity being misunderstood by his followers. There is some dispute about whether or not Jesus was referencing Exodus 3 and claiming himself to be God. These days anyone claiming to be God would certainly be considered mad. And yet anyone who performed the miracles that Jesus did would have every right to claim immortality.

One's dissatisfaction with one's self is at the heart of depression. I think that's why Clare's poem resonates so strongly with people. I wish the walkers of the John Clare Society well and look forward to hearing not only of the sums raised for a worthy cause, but also of the fruit borne of contemplation on the long road from Loughton to Helpston.
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